(4 minutes, 14 seconds – Happy Mother’s Day!)
Hesitant, I approached the registration table in the church foyer. Mingling among very young moms, I felt conspicuous. As a woman with grown children cruising in on the half-century mark, I sheepishly stepped forward to sign up to be mentored.
The gray-haired woman behind the table peered at me, narrowing her eyes slightly. “Um, how old are you?” she inquired skeptically, lowering her pen to the table. I had often been told I looked youthful, but that wasn’t what she was about to say. Instead, she informed me that the mentoring group was only for women younger than 40 years old—I could sign up to lead if I wanted to, but I wasn’t eligible to be a participant.
I felt conflicted that awful morning that I was told I was no longer qualified to be a student of older women, because of my age. Here was the fundamental problem: A malnourished childhood and dysfunctional family of origin meant I had missed several decades of the ‘being mothered’ thing. I still needed help. Loads of help. I felt a deep soul need for some serious catch-up work; I was coming late to this table as a beggar-in-need.
REACHING BEHIND AND BEFORE
Who decides what age is considered old or young? As I’ve pondered this question, I have grown confident that ‘older’ and ‘younger’ are more stages of life and wisdom than meeting a particular age requirement.
“Are you an older woman or a younger woman?” should be answered with a “yes” to both. There is always someone ahead of us and behind us in experience and knowledge, no matter where we are on this enchanting road of womanhood. Regardless of our age, our consistent posture should be that of reaching ahead with one hand, fingertips stretched wide, while humbly calling, “I need help! I need a seasoned woman who has walked ahead of me and who will cheer, guide, and nurture me forward.”
Simultaneously, as we glean from those ahead, we must reach behind with the other open hand. Extending our arm back, we live ever-ready and willing to offer soul-quenching drinks from the overflow of what’s been invested in us.
We invite with an open heart and invest with a generous spirit—hands wide open in both directions.
AVAILABLE AND TEACHABLE
My paraphrased mantra of the biblical mandate for mentoring women has been shaped by Titus 2:3-5, and it goes like this: Older women need to be available; younger women must be teachable.
In every season and stage of life, we should be both available to offer and teachable to receive life-giving encouragement, exhortation, and even correction in the context of relationship.
Many times I have felt ‘unqualified’ in the realm of mentoring. I chastise myself. By my age I shouldn’t need to ask for help with this. As an added rebuke, I tell myself I should be beyond where I am in skill or spiritual maturity. I make excuses. I am either too busy or not smart or spiritual enough to help others. I wonder if you can relate?
The qualifications for mentoring are straightforward and simple, however: be available and be teachable. These words have more to do with the posture of our hearts and spirit of obedience than our physical age or resume of accomplishments.
MENTORING: THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX
There is no ‘cookie cutter’ pattern for mentoring. In fact, there are multiple creative ways to participate in this life-shaping work, no matter what stage or season of life you find yourself in. Here are just a few to get you started:
One-Time Meetings
Elizabeth George, in her study, “A Woman After God’s Own Heart,” said something that massively shifted my paradigm on mentoring. She talked about how she had sought out a woman and met with her just one time. Though she never saw that woman again, their meeting was a profound mentoring experience that deeply impacted and shaped her growing life of godliness.
Let’s dash the stigma of mentoring being a prolonged ‘til death do us part commitment! There is so much potential Kingdom content to be gleaned from a one-time gathering or happenstance conversation—particularly when expectations for more are eliminated. Perhaps there’s a woman you admire that you could invite for coffee without any expectation of a prolonged mentoring relationship. You may be surprised and richly blessed by how God uses that brief encounter to encourage you (and her!).
Authors
Due to frequent moves in our early marriage and a lack of opportunity to grow deep roots in a community before moving on, I often looked to authors for mentoring—some of my favorite mentor friends died before I was born! But the wisdom I gleaned from their godly lives was relevant and impactful nonetheless.
Additionally, I have learned from other women by inviting new friends to join me as we read books on godly womanhood. Indeed “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17) and my heart has been trained and enlightened through shared dialogue with friends and the insights of authors we studied together.
The Friendships of Women
I love how God shows us He understands our deep need as women for the friendships of other women. It’s breathtaking to me how God gave Elizabeth to Mary. He knew the mother of the Messiah would need the encouragement, understanding, and blessing that only an older and wiser woman could offer.
Simply by being invited into the homes of friends, I learned how to: clean a sink, set a lovely table with linens and flowers, organize a pantry, bake bread, put recipes in binders, spiralize zucchini, shop for bargains at thrift stores, speak kindly to my children, ask forgiveness from my husband, and make guests feel welcome.
It was my girlfriends who taught me the difference between cool whip and whipping cream, breakfast sausage and Italian sausage, that it’s fun in a daring kind of way to paint your walls red, and that if a math curriculum isn’t working, it can be replaced mid-semester.
Never, ever underestimate your need for female friendships in your life!
TAKING THE NEXT STEPS IN MENTORSHIP
May I offer a few extra words intended as pure encouragement specifically to the un-mothered, late-to-the-table of mentoring, undernourished in several areas, woman? The Lord sees, He is near, and you are so beloved by Him. He has seen fit to continuously restore the years that locusts have eaten in my life (Joel 2:25)—and this can be your story, too.
Whether you learned at the feet of a gentle, godly, and gracious mama, or you were sadly lacking in the realm of being mothered, here are a few key steps to growing as a mentor and a mentee.
- Pray. Ask God who you should pursue and what specific area you should focus on.
- Pursue. With God’s leading, begin with gentle initiation and honest questions.
- Plan. Decide what skill, sound doctrine, or good and respectful behavior to concentrate on.
- Peruse the Word of God. Peer constantly at Jesus. His are the words of eternal life (John 6:68), and He is the Author of life and the Perfector of our faith.
As long as we have breath in our lungs and minutes in our days, let’s walk in a manner worthy of our simultaneous calling as older and younger women—always teachable, consistently available, and feasting on the Word of God as we gaze at Jesus—our ultimate Mentor.
Previously Published in:
THE JOYFUL LIFE MAGAZINE
Photo credit: Dane Deaner, Unsplash