I woke up this morning with a hangover. No, not “that” kind of hangover. It was a “still-thinking-too-much-of-myself” state carried over from last night.
My selfishness, and more accurately my self-centeredness, manifests itself in the subtlest of forms.

I was unusually vulnerable with a small group of friends yesterday. These friends haven’t known me for the long haul but they all know I’ve flailed my way through some rough waters of recovery in the last months. They didn’t know me when this all began. And they didn’t know the me that used to be.

Mission impossible to summarize the last 5 years of brokenness, pain, and especially disappointment and loss in 5 minutes.
But because of something we were talking about, I wanted to share the “greater joy” testimony from when that first doctor said, “You’ll never run again and your next surgery will be a total hip.” That was 3 surgeries ago. None of them knew this part. I haven’t revisited this sliver of my story in quite awhile. And I hadn’t rehearsed or practiced what I’d say.
It all just came spilling out.

I don’t regret sharing. I didn’t say anything I wish I hadn’t. I’m just feeling a bit uncovered and exposed this morning.
And I am turning over in my mind and heart what I said, how I could have said things better or clearer to communicate the depth of what the Lord brought me through, most specifically what it cost me in losses and blessed me in gains to walk that road.

I often do this after I share deeper parts of me. Ruminate. Analyze and (over!) analyze. Basically thinking too much of myself. I’m not doing so great at applying “Sound Doctrine principle #2″ from a list I made just last week…..”I exist to bring glory to God.”
My journey, my story, is given to me to. bring. glory. to. God. To God! Not “glory to me.”
So as I linger over last night and what I shared I realize it’s actually a very selfish thing to linger like this.
I desperately want to be a better communicator but this morning I am keenly aware of the sin of my pride in wanting to be more dazzlingly articulate so that people think much of me. Not much of God.

Oh yuck. There it is in all raw honesty.

As God would so gently and lovingly orchestrate….this morning as I opened the book I’m reading by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth called “Adorned”, this is the very first thing I read:

“You may not feel qualified to inspire the generation coming behind you. The fact is, we’re all still learning. Still growing. Still in need of daily grace. Soundness of faith is not a mountain, a finish line.
It is a journey. And we each travel imperfectly.
But I promise you, what you have gleaned of God’s nature and ways throughout the course of your life, however inadequate you may feel, is worth passing on to others…Wherever you’ve seen God prove Himself faithful, wherever His Word has sustained you in weakness and provided needed direction, and yes, even wherever you have experienced the consequences of failing to walk according to His Word – there’s your story to share.”

Still learning and growing and still in need of daily grace? Oh my, yes.
Traveling along this journey imperfectly? So. Terribly imperfectly.
Do I desire with all my heart to share with anyone who will listen (or read) about the mind boggling abundance of times God has proven Himself faithful and His Word has sustained me and directed me and given me counsel?
With all that I am, yes! This is the story I have to share. For His glory, not mine.

My smoothness of speech or even the emotional details from my story that I sometimes feel compelled to share hardly matter. At all.
What matters is that all that I share, however incompletely or over exhaustedly :), points. to. Jesus.
Any pain that I bear or loss that I incur are just little mirrors of opportunity to reflect and reveal more of the steadfast faithfulness and tender mercy of God.